Growing up, when asked how old she was, my Mimi would say, "I'm 29 and holding'." Well today, on the eve of my 25th B-Day, I have just returned from celebrating with my family and I am suddenly reinterpreting her infamous line as a question. I will be 25 and holding what? I am no longer at an age where being fruitless in one's labors is acceptable. I often have a skewed perception of myself, but recently when holidays or any major event rolls around, I begin to feel incredibly alone and...well lonely.
I've always been one who can stand on his own, and was quite comfortable doing so, but as all of my friends continue to grow up and get married, and have kids, I have begun to ask myself what am I holding? The answer, nothing really. I mean I have a job that I enjoy, for the most part, and I have a group of friends that are pretty bad-ass, but I have no one or nothing that I have to come home to. No REAL responsibility, not even a pet. I mean all of the plants in my apartment are succulents, so they in theory could live for months without me caring for them. Some may view this as the ultimate opportunity to do something truly magnificent, but is it?
It seems I find myself at a crossroads, and the lines from Frost's "Two Roads" keeps playing over and over in my head. Do I take the road less traveled or do I go the road more familiar? I have always been one to take the road less traveled, but lately all I can think about is someone/thing/place that I am completely comfortable with...
About a year ago, not long after I moved back to Texas, I was out at a bar, when I was approached by a man, a gypsy/hippie man of sorts and he said that he got a very strong "reading" from me when he walked in and saw me. He proceeded to tell me many things, but the thing that struck me the most was the fact that he told me that more than anything else, I wanted to be a "wife". At the time this struck me as odd, but very soon after, I discovered the song "Housewife" by Jay Branan and it really resonated with me and hit the nail on the head. Of all the lofty ambitions and shooting for the stars that I have done, is this all that I really want? Is that the secret to happiness and the achievement of success. As I've allowed myself to marinate on this gypsy-man's statement over the course of the last year, I wonder did he plant that seed inside me, which has been trying to germinate over the course of the last year, or did he really see in me a need for companionship.I can't help but believe that perhaps it's a bit of both...
As I prepare to ring in my 25th I am still mulling over my take on this. What am I holding at 25? What is in store for me? A move? A companion? A career change? or all of the above? I have always said that for me true happiness was Me in a location that I am content with, with a job I am content with, and with a person I am content with. So as I hold my breath and prepare to blow out the candles and jump into the 25th, I do so with great fervency, completely open to what the next year holds for me.
